What I Think I Know About Fire Emblem
by 4th Chaos Emerald
Summary: Fire Emblem, as summarized by someone who has never played Fire Emblem. Rated M for swearing. (Probably spoilers, idk)
1. Chapter 1: No Corrections Needed

This is dedicated to creator TheRepeat.

You tried so hard for so long to teach me about _Fire Emblem_ , and... wow.

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Welcome to Thrace, or Gallia, or something somewhere. This is a magical land where mages exist, dragons roam, and lances beat swords. For some reason. They probably have more range. Or maybe I have that backwards. I'm just getting started on my misunderstandings of this world, so hold onto your fucking seats, fellas.

There's a dragon god named Naga (not Talos), so people will be all like "for the love of Naga" and "oh my Naga" and shit in their dialogue because it's cute to superimpose fictional beliefs on real-world figures of speech! Hahaha adorable! I love it.

Or maybe Naga is the name of the planet? I have no fucking idea.

So there's this bluish dude named Marth. Remember him from Super Smash Bros? So does everyone else. No one plays his fucking game. I don't even know if there is an English version.

ANYWHOO, Marth has this sister who has a name I can't remember. Let's call her Martha. So Martha gets kidnapped and Marth is like "oooooooooh shit, nuh-uh, no touchy," and raises an army to go get his sister back. He gets this really fancy sword. It's the falchion nicest sword I've ever seen.

In the background, some incest happens, and at some point Marth time travels. On an unrelated note, Marth's entire army gets fuckin SLAUGHTERED, but their kids all stick around. It's very dramatic. It's the Genealogy of the War of Northern Aggression or some shit.

The more I think about it, the more I think this took place in Thracia. And the more I think about it, the more I think Marth's kid Sigurd is the dude who got murdered. Or maybe they weren't related at all, and the blue hair is like the anime version of being born with jade in your hands. Oh well.

So the kids all stick around. All the parents are dead, which is gucci because supposedly they was broken. And some girl is banging her uncle or something. I swear, SOMEBODY was kidnapped, but I can't remember who. This is such a mess.

(At this point, I would like to point out that TV Tropes has a page entitled **Brother Sister Incest/Video Games, aka Fire Emblem.** Seriously.)

Among the kiddos left behind is Blue-Hair Jr., or as the other kiddos call him, Seliph. He does stuff but he's not really that important. What I've heard about him, he's got self esteem issues because his dad was so awesome. How could poor Seliph possibly compare?

He avenges his daddy-oh. Good job, Seliph. You're TOTALLY going to be put in the next Smash game for that.

Moving on.

Now we have a red-haired protagonist (I know, it's confusing, but just... stick with me).His name is Eliwood and he's actually pretty cool. He works with dragons and shit. It's fuckin awesome.

And by "fuckin awesome," I mean you can make Eliwood fuck a dragon. Her name is Nin or something. It's really lucky that, not only are dragons heterosexual, but they have humanlike vaginas. That's the dream.

I don't mean to be too crude. Eliwood and the dragon waifu are actually really cute together. OTP material. Headcanon. I also don't really know who the options are: Nin, Lyn, and probably some other lesser characters. #fightingwords

So Eliwood and his (possibly dragon) wife have a kid named Roy. He's the guy in Smash who's all like "MINNA! MITEITEKURE!"

(translation: EVERYONE BETTER LOOK AT ME!, but with the same level of contempt as Y'ALL FUCKERS BEST GIMME YOUR ATTENTION!)

Fucking rude shit, but okay, Roy, you do you. So this rude asshole is actually a decent dude in his own game, and he does stuff for justice and fights for his friends. The whole nine.

Now, a few decades or centuries later, meet the wonder twins, Efraim and Elysif! Yup, their parents did that annoying thing the parents of twins always do and gave them similar names. Promise me, reader, that you will never commit this travesty against your own progeny.

/ (I wrote out this whole passage about how I think the game goes, but then I realized that I was confusing _Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones_ with _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_ , but as this is NOT a slash fic, I removed it in editing.)

Okay, now we're at the _Radiant_ games, which I'm a little more familiar with. There's this guy named Ike, who's literally just Marth with a choppier haircut and a more ragged cape. He's on the side of Grail in a war with Denmark and Crimea. He and his ragtag team of mercenaries just love it when a plan comes together.

At this point in the program, we meet the cool horse lady named Titania and the cute thief named Sothe. Sothe is a lot prettier in two dimensions than in three. What a shame, what a shame, the _Radiant_ games were on the Gamecube.

There are pirates, pirates are bad, kill the pirates, YAY! That's a wrap. Game over.

Nintendo goes on a Fire Emblem hiatus for a while. It's nothing personal. They just need their space to think, but we can still be friends! They promise. It's not you, it's Nintendo. But if you scroll through Nintendo's Instagram between the years 2007 and 2013, you see all these dumb sluts in their selfies. Who is she, Nintendo? Do you think Zelda is prettier than me? You're a fucking asshole, Nintendo. But I still love you because you make some damn good games.

Guys,,, breakups are really hard,,, I just,,,, *sigh*

As I was saying, _Fire Emblem_.

 _Awakening_ was released in 2013. You know what that means? Anyone who started liking _Fire Emblem_ in 2013 or later is a fucking twat. If you were a REAL fan, you would time travel back to 1990, learn Japanese, buy a Famicom, and play REAL _Fire Emblem_ games like the rest of us. /s

Anyway, Awakening has some awesome characters like Chrom (who was popularized by his appearance in the smash-hit _Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE_ ). It also has that girl Micaiah with the bird. Fuck Micaiah. Fuck that bird. We all know a Micaiah who's all like "I have magical powers...

…

…

…

sometimes."

So Micaiah is worthless. Luckily, the game has TONS of mancandy in it, like Chrom and Lucina. Mancandy can save any game. That's why furries like Sonic games so much, even though 80% of Sonic games suck.

/I, a Sonic fan and hater of all things furry, approve this message.

There's an evil dragon named Grima. He can time travel, move between dimensions, and shapeshift. It's all over my head. My limited knowledge has made this whole game a French Mistake to me.

At some point before the Grima battle, Emmeryn is kidnapped (a staple of _Fire Emblem_ franchise, as well as incest and excessive use of ellipses), and she falls really hard for this dude. 'This dude,' i.e., her brother, and 'falls,' i.e. jumps of a fucking cliff. She's got a flare for the dramatic.

Oh! Another thing about Grima. You know the game Chutes and Ladders? His boss battle is like Chutes and Ladders and Stairs and Shadowy Pathways and Floating Sidewalks. It's actually pretty cool looking.

BAM! You kill Grima! And everything's good again! The entire UNIVERSE was at risk, and you and your team saved the day! But wait – just when you thought the stakes couldn't get higher, _Fates_ comes out.

The plot of _Fates_ is as follows:

Custody battle.

OHHHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTT! IT'S TOO INTENSE!

 _Fates_ comes in two flavors: _Conquest_ and the other one. Birth... something. Birthday cake. Birthing canal. Goddammit. I don't know.

Basically, you're a little baby who gets kidnapped. Your adoptive father is a total douchebag, but some daddy issues never hurt anyone so you just roll with it. At least your siblings are cool. That's more than most people could say. Then you get kidnapped again – this time, by your birth parents. Now you have two families vying for your love. Two Christmases!

Then your families are at each other's throats over some prophecy or something, and you can side with either a.) the family that actually raised you, or b.) these new people that just showed up saying they're your real family.

I mean, yeah, you were kidnapped as a baby and that was probably really hard on your parents, but think about it. These people JUST showed up. What if you took anyone's word for it if they say they're your parents? And isn't it convenient that they're only coming to get you now that they have a problem with your new family? You aren't obligated to believe them.

Oh, and _Fates_ is a choose-your-own-adventure. You decide which side to take, so there isn't really a canon ending, per se. I know what you're thinking: it's _so_ derivative of _Shadow the Hedgehog_ (2005) _._ I thought the same thing, but the developers _swear_ they were in no way influenced by that elegant-yet-edgy game we all know and love. But who's to say if they're telling the truth? /s

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Anyway, that's everything I know about _Fire Emblem._ I hope I infuriated _all_ of you. I'm not a troll, but we can **all** agree that this is a shitpost and should be hated as such. 3 3

3rawr ,

"That Damn" 4th Chaos Emerald


	2. Chapter 1's Corrections

I got a _very_ angry review from someone who never read the spoiler warning in the description. It's far too late for me to warn you now, so let me repeat myself in bold italics:

 _ **THERE ARE SPOILERS BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER PLAYED THE GAMES AND DON'T KNOW WHAT PARTS ARE SPOILERS.**_

Please let me know if I need to add underline.

Anyway, TheRepeat set me straight with _Fire Emblem_ knowledge after Pt. 1! That was embarrassing. Let me correct my misconceptions.

* * *

Welcome to Unnamed Planet, where there are mages and dragons and lances actually do beat swords. Naga is the dragon god (not Akatosh) who we'll later discover has an evil twin who isn't really his twin. The twin-but-not-really's name is Grima, and there's some plot contrivance that says Grima can't time travel alone. What a loser!

Also, since there's two dragon gods, rule 34. I guarantee it.

We enter Unnamed Planet to see a coup against Marth's famjam. Marth's game, _Shadow Dragon_ , is also known as _The New Mystery of the Emblem and Shadows and Sidewalks or Something, An Overly Long Title: The Game._ As I was saying, _FE:TNMOTEASASOS,AOLT:TG_ 's difficulty system is a little bit bullshit. There are 5 Hards. Most can only accomplish level 3 Hard without Viagra.

 _ **FIRE EMBLEM WILL GET YOUR DICK HARD AS DIAMONDS!**_

Marth's sister is Elise. Neither of them can time travel, but Elise can teleport! So she gets Marth's ass out of there after their dad dies. For some reason, she can't save herself (you've heard of Plot Armor! Now prepare yourself for Plot Shackles!). Anyway, there is (supposedly) 0% incest in Marth's game, and 0% time travel. What I thought was time travel was just Elise teleporting him. Hah, that's so Elise. What a doll.

So, for some reason Marth's son Sigurd isn't born for another thousand years and Sigurd lives on a different planet somehow. Weird, right?

Anyway, in Zigloodo's game, _Genealogy of the Sino-Japanese War_ , Dierdre gets kidnapped and bangs her half brother (not her uncle, my b) while Sigurd & Pals get chucked. Which is _not_ gucci. The good news: your parents are dead! You know what that means - it's Ponytail's time to shine!

But not really. I said Seliph sucks and I'm sticking by that statement.

Moving on, welcome to _Fuin no Tsurugi,_ translation: _Sealy Sword Chronicles._ That's a literal translation. I speak Japanese. Apparently, in addition to dragons and the I-would-go-full-les-for-her Lyn, Eliwood can also marry a lady-looks-like-a-dude named Fiona. She bears an uncomfortable resemblence to Seliph – so much that I wonder if they're the same person. I think (s)he is the most interesting transvestite time traveller in all of Fire Emblem.

Now we're at Roy's game, _Rekka no Ken_ , translation: _Flamey Sword Chronicles_. Marth, not Roy, is the one who says "minna, miteitekure," and Ike is the one who fights for his friends. I don't think I know anything about Roy. What can I say? He's not my boy.

Ephraim (stupid way to spell the name, btw) has a sister whose name TheRepeat told me. It probably wasn't Erica. Anyway, Ephraim and Erica are the wonder twins! They do sacred stuff to gather stones, and shit. They carry the blue-hair gene from Sigurd's dad, Marth.

/Remember in the last chapter how I said I accidentally typed out the plot of _Sorceror's Stone?_ Even that was wrong. I thought that was the _Harry Potter_ book with the basilisk, which I've been informed is _Chamber of Secrets._ Glad as hell that I removed that reference now. My apologies to Harry and the whole gang.

Now we're at _Radiant Dawn!_ Ike's dad is Greil, who fights Crimea and Daein. I was close. (Denmark isn't in any of the _Fire Emblem_ games? fuckin racists)

The latter _Radiant_ game was for the Wii. I'm sure all 11 of my readers were **boggled out of their fuckin minds** trying to figure out what I meant about **two** _Radiant_ games for the GameCube. My deepest apologies.

After _Path of Radiance_ (in the original Japanese: _Ikuyo karuneiji yunitii,_ or _Radianty Path Chronicles_ ) came _Awakening_ ( _Toire wa doko desu ka,_ or _Not Asleepy Chronicles_ ). I stand by what I said about post-2012 FE fans. They're all twats because anyone who enjoys _Not Asleepy Chronicles_ is an idiot and I am GOD and MY opinion is the RIGHT and my opinion is that this game is worse than the 85% of _Sonic_ games that SUCK. /s

Speaking of _Awakening,_ Micaiah wasn't from _Awakening_. She was from... uh... _Path of Radiance._ . ? . I know it was one of the _Radiant_ games so I have like a 50% chance of getting that right. I don't know what I'm talking about.

Also speaking of _Awakening,_ no one really knows what Grima can do. He's a plot machine fueled by contrivance and hopes that the player isn't paying attention. He's the Micaiah of evil dragon people.

/Apparently 'French Mistake' isn't a common saying? Apparently it's a _Supernatural_ thing? I don't even watch _Supernatural_? This is all very new information to me? It's when people's roles get mixed up in your head. Like "Wow! I love Meg! She's my favorite pegasus knight!" That kind of thing. (I could have stopped a "Wow! I love Meg!" Because then you're confusing Meg with something you can love.)

TheRepeat and I were both trying to figure out what the fuck I was picturing for the Grima fight. I've come to this conclusion: I saw a picture of the _Final Fantasy XIII_ final boss. Then, I dropped 5 tabs of acid and hallucinated for 7 wonderful days.

Oh, and I got some parts of _Fates_ wrong. Supposedly, it's _Conquest_ and _Birthright,_ not _Birthing Canal._ **[Citation needed.]** And apparently, at some point during the custody battle, you turn into a dragon (not Talos) and flip shit for a while until Azura (not Daedric) tells you that you're the ocean. It's a metaphor: you put the ocean in your mouth, but it cannot harm you until you set it on fire. As expected, this is relaxing to Corrine, the protagonist. Well done, Azura. I wish I were a water. One big, salty water. No ice. Well, some ice, but _really far away from all civilization._

/I, a Texan, am very **salty** that it is _**never ever cold.**_

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Aaaaaaand that's all I know about _Fire Emblem!_ Again, my thanks to TheRepeat for helping me get this all right. You're a champ.

i am very small and don't like being yelled at and people on the internet seem to yell frequently,

4thChaosEmerald-sensei

P.S. spoiler alert


	3. To All 11 Of My Loving Readers

No one else whined about the spoiler alert. I'm proud of y'all. I should warn you, there's a spoiler at the end about Santa not being real. Spoiler alert.

Also, my thanks to the reviewers!

TheRepeat, Guest, some dude, *Caucasian throat clearing* N- Ni….. um…., and Ceifeiro made me laugh/smile. I live to make people laugh. I'm like that Latin American demon that absorbs the cries of children to remain young forever, except that I absorb the laughter of people on the internet.

* **laughs maniacally in Spanish** * jajaJAJAJAJAJAAAAJAAAAAAAAH!

ANYWAY, Im'ma try to not beat this joke to death, but I'd like to fix chapter 1's corrections. Hang on to your seats, assholes! (but don't hang on to your seat _with_ your asshole unless you are very talented.)

* * *

The year is 1990. You just bought a Famicom, though you are unsure that it could possibly host better content than the Atari has in the past 7 years. With a smile, you remember trekking out into the desert to get your hands on a coveted copy of _ET_. You wonder if anything will ever trump your warm memories of the Atari's comprehensive UI. Nonetheless, your Japanese-speaking self now has a Famicom and a copy of _Faia Emburemu_ (translation: _Faia Emburemu Chronicles_ ) _._ Might as well play.

Welcome to Generic Fantasy Planet, where mages can somehow 'break' books, dragons can be your waifu, and swords beat axes. I gotta ask: how do you _break_ a book? You can deliberately rip the pages out. You can drop the book while leaning over the edge of a volcano. You can enjoy the book too much and make the pages stick together (which is why most people nowadays stream their 'books' off Pornhub). But how the everliving fuck does one go about breaking a book without actively trying?

daek tfw you're reading too hard and you accidentally obliterate a priceless tome #relatable

I'm gonna fast forward a smidge, since I stated everything from _FE:TNMOTEASASOS,AOLT:TG_ through _Flamey Sword Chronicles_ immaculately. I just skipped some trivial details.

Son, your father and I have been talking, and we think you're ready for _the talk._ When two people love each other very much, they can A-support. "A-support" can be when the person playing the game innocently ships two characters. Other times, though, it's when the pervert playing the game makes siblings knock boots. You could be that guy that makes Ephraim and Eirika boink, or you could please please not be weird. Make like Dido and go down with your shitty ship.

What's a 'ship,' you ask? I'm kidding. Of course you don't ask. You play _Fire Emblem._ You know damn well what a 'ship' is, and probably have several of them. Not that I'm judging: only God can judge you, and the Bible says jack-shit about wanting anime people to do the dirty.

Of course, the only reason people play _Fire Emblem_ , as Guest #2 pointed out, is the **plot**. People don't like Lucina because she has no **plot** whatsoever. Such a flat character. And people aren't sure about Elise from _Fates_ because she wears a bow that makes it hard to see her **plot**. But trust me, size of the **plot** isn't as interesting as how the **plot** is presented.

Ahhhhhh, **plot**. Moment of silent respect for the world's greatest creation.

(Take this moment to reread if you didn't catch that **plot** means **boooooobs.** )

* * *

I've been working on this for a while and I'm starting to run out of _Fire Emblem_ -related jokes.

Do you think I'd be successful if I did something productive instead of writing for a fandom I'm not even a part of? Or would I just be a failure who never wrote funny _Fire Emblem_ jokes? Is this that existential dread that sets in when you turn 18 and realize that your parents could legally take you off their health insurance? Is life real? Is the meat in Chicken McNuggets real? Why do men have nipples? Why do bees get to see more colors than people if no bee has ever given a shit about color?

I'm really tired.

* * *

Euphemism for sex count: 5

I hope everyone read this. Everyone. Ever. You. Your best friend. Your dead grandpa. Your unborn children. Barack Obama. Marie Curie. Harriet Tubman. Nikola Tesla. Soren Kierkegaard. Everyone. Even fictional characters, like Santa Claus, or your girlfriend, or my will to live.

And I hope everyone who reads this takes this to heart: _**vote 4thChaosEmerald to be Supreme Leader of your respective country, whatever that may be.**_ Thank you.

Americanly,

4thChaosEmerald-chan

P.S. men have nipples because, evolutionarily, there is no reason for men to not have nipples. Bees see more colors than us because they don't have thumbs and it's only fair.


End file.
